Randomization...

I've spent much time in the last 7 weeks reading about other mothers who are "babylost" as the term has been used... It seems a good term to me in some ways, because it covers the spectrum of us all, from those who never heard the heartbeat of their angel to those who loved and held them for whatever (too-short) length of time was allowed. I'm amazed, humbled, horrified and thankful as I read through the reactions of different ladies and their families to events such as these. Amazed at the strength of many who have been through far more than I.
Amazed at the crushing hopelessness expressed by those who don't know the Heavenly Father and the care He has for THEM and their children.
Amazed at what HE has brought me through.
Amazed at the reactions of those around me...sometimes good and sometimes not so good.
Humbled when I read the stories of multiple losses and the hope and strength that some have when I'm hardly able to think about facing the uncertainty again, and feel certain(for now) that I'd never subject myself to the pain again if we have one more loss.
Humbled when I am again reminded how much HE cares for me and the plans HE has for my life.
Horrified when I think of going through this again and again and again...
Horrified when I read of the terrible reactions other have faced...the resentment, blame and anger placed on some by their spouse/partner or even the self-blame that many can't seem to let go.
Thankful for the presence of my Heavenly Father in my life...always
Thankful for friends and family around me
Thankful for random gifts, conversations, cards
Thankful for a reason to hope...that I will see my babies again.

In my readings I've come across many things that have hit home...I'd like to share some excerpts from

The Club
By Karen Grover

“The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn’t exist or that it isn’t as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

“I appreciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about him. He was a very large part of my life, and ignoring him now will really hurt me. It makes me think that you feel he’s no longer important because he’s gone. It hurts to think that people don’t want to think about him or remember good things about him, just because he has died.

“I understand that you don’t want to say anything that will make me cry. That sounds kind, and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I’d rather the tears didn’t come when you talk to me because I know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But I’ve learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go too long without tears, my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow me to cry in your presence, perhaps I won’t have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about my loss.

“You can’t know what will make me cry – sometimes I don’t know, myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears – things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of my anguish, I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my son was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about him which I had not known before.

“Please don’t run away from me. Don’t pretend his death never occurred, or even worse, that he never lived! I still love him, think of him, need to remember. Please share with me and we will both feel better.

“I am learning that God is not punishing me. He did not cause the death of my son. But, He can help me to grow through this experience – to become stronger and wiser and more caring, if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a church member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience, I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my son, I didn’t want to change or get stronger. But I know I have no choice about that now – he is gone. Now my choices are to either let God and friends help me to become better, or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me.”

“I have to experience the grief. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, or hurry it along. That’s what membership in this club is teaching me. I am choosing to allow God to take an unspeakable experience and use it to start life again – in a new and better way.”

None of that is directed at anyone...but I could have written any one of those statements...

December 5th...

Today was a good day – sunshine and sparkling snow, good food and good friends to share it with. I’m sure I’m the only one that remembered and one of only a few that knew, today was the day I was due…no, not with William. You see, William was my 3^rd pregnancy. Sometime at the beginning of April (I can’t remember exactly when…) I found out I was pregnant – due December 5, 2010. I was excited, we had hoped/planned for around 2 years between our children, and this would fit that pretty close. I began to think about the joy of a new baby, and get excited about maybe seeing my family around Christmas this year if some of them were going to come see the new baby. One night I went to the washroom before going to bed, and I found blood…just a little bit…but I was immediately scared. In the morning there was more, so I called my doctor and she squeezed in an appointment for me that day. The weird part is I don’t really remember much about that visit…she did an exam and said she could feel an 8-9week uterus and that just because I was bleeding it didn’t mean I was going to loose the baby. She had me go for a blood test to check the hormone levels – the test was to be repeated in 48 hours. I went home without any answers…just praying that my fears wouldn’t be realized… Two days later (I think…with my foggy memory of late it hard to tell) I went for an ultrasound, that was the worst experience ever. As soon as I walked in, the male ultrasound technician started asking me questions, and before I had even changed into my gown he was telling me I probably wasn’t even pregnant and had just had my period. I was rather upset at him, but kind of distancing my self from the action at that point and never let it show even though he continued to say negative things the whole ultrasound, telling me there was no baby and probably never was. I was so angry; when I was done I went to the van and called my sister in law who was babysitting Lorelei. I had been taking it very easy for a couple of days until we knew what was happening (even though in my heart I was sure the baby was gone)so when he told me there was nothing in my uterus, I decided I was fine to go get my grocery shopping done – it was partly to vent off steam, I just wanted to get something concrete done and not feel so useless and unsettled. So proceeded to Superstore and pushed around a cart towering with groceries. Then I picked up my little girl, and went home for a nap… I cried myself to sleep along with some terrible cramping, but when I woke up it was gone and I felt much better… April 28, the day I first became the mother of an angel. I actually dealt with that loss quite well, mostly because people didn’t know I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to explain to everyone what had happened. I only missed one day of work, and the people I work with on Mondays didn’t even know anything had happened. The loss felt mostly like a loss of dreams and expectations rather than the true loss of a baby as I felt with William. I was only 7-8 weeks along according to my calculations. Our spring concert for the community choir took place during the week that all this went on, and as I stood there and sang about love and new birth, there was a bit of a sting… Tonight is the first time I’ll be performing with the choir since then…bittersweet again, as I remember thinking earlier in the preparations for the spring concert how I probably wouldn’t sing in the Christmas concert because I’d be delivering a baby then… I got pregnant with William on May 16, only 18 days later…

I think I’m doing pretty well, as far as dealing with William’s death and absence from our lives…it’s hard to think about what “should” be happening at this point…we had planned to stay home and not do much over Christmas since I’d be so far along, now there’s no reason for it, but we’re still staying home. I’m looking forward to seeing dad and Diane over Christmas, but its still hard to see people with little babies and watch pregnant ladies “blossom” around me. I held my friend’s little two day old baby last week…what a joy…but inside there was an empty spot and an aching to go along with it. I don’t have to cry myself to sleep anymore…for that I am thankful!

In fact, there are many things to be thankful for, the blessings of people around us who care and have shown that care in many tangible and intangible ways. The blessing of a Heavenly Father who cares for me and can listen to my every rambling need, hurt, want and fear, and doesn’t judge me for how I express any of those things. A life that really is full and blessed…to continue to live and look forward to the next day and see what God brings along next.

Thanks for all your prayers and your support in many ways…and thanks for “listening” to my story.

Now I’m off for the first Christmas concert of the season, the community carol sing, I’ll be singing with the community choir for a couple of numbers and just being part of the crowd the rest of the time…what a great way to start the Christmas season.