I took a bit of a walk down the lane of contemplation tonight...and though I should be sleeping, I decided I needed to write. I was thinking about babies...and loosing them and holding the ones we have and the mess of contradiction in my brain regarding all manner of topics relating to this....
Most recently, I feel like a bad mommy for having moved on. I realize this will make absolutely no sense to someone who has not experienced a loss of this sort, but as I read about how other people think so much of their little angels and wonder about them and miss them terribly even after many years, I begin to wonder if there's something wrong with me.
William is not always a part of my day any more.... I'm beginning to realize that that is ok for me right now. I have to remind myself that it doesn't mean I've forgotten William, it doesn't mean that I don't cherish his memory or that I love or value him any less than my other children. There will always be a place in my heart for him. When I really think about it, I realize that I am in this place because I am so confident in the knowledge that he is taken care of - marvellously taken care of - better than I could have ever done. He is in the presence of Perfect Love, with no pain, no suffering, no worries, no impatient, imperfect mother or father to make mistakes in his training, no siblings to tease or fight with him - he has every need met perfectly and is enjoying perfect peace. All because the Lord Jesus loved me(all of us humans) enough to give His Son, Jesus, to suffer and die and be the payment that would eliminate our sins and make us fit for the Perfection that is the presence of our Lord and Father in Heaven. He offers each one of us the opportunity to take the free gift of peace if we will accept it in the form of salvation through Jesus. What Love! Why would He do that for me? Boundless Love! I am so thankful - not only for the peace that I feel knowing where William is, but also for the peace that I have living each day looking forward to eternity in Heaven as heirs of Christ and joint heirs with Jesus and all others who believe on His name. I don't have to wonder or worry about what William looks like or what he's doing - I know I'll see him again someday and until then, he is taken care of. That frees me to be present in the lives of my two wonderful kids that I DO get to hold instead of wrapped up in missing him and what might have been.
This is a new "place" for me - it took me about 2 years to get to the point that I didn't feel like I was missing something if I wasn't wearing my William necklace- my connection to it was for me- not for him - I realize it means nothing to him and though I still wear it, its because I choose to - not because I feel I need to. That point didn't come until my little rainbow boy was several months old - I guess the busyness of day to day life with two kids probably helped me take some steps towards where I am now. William has not been replaced, his name is mentioned in conversation regularly and remembered by his big sister as her baby brother in Heaven. I can talk about him, with emotion, but without being overwhelmed by sadness.
The struggle of getting into routine with 2 kids has taken me most of a year (wow- where did that year go?) but I feel like I can breathe more now. I hug, cuddle and kiss my kids more. I cherish the baby moments more with my little man than I did with his big sister, not only because I'm more aware of the preciousness of his life in general, but also because I'm so amazed by how fast these little moments are fleeting.
There is another piece that has slipped into place in my mind too. I realize that I'm glad that I did not get pregnant too quickly after we lost William - it gave me space and time to grieve without letting that grief distract me from my new baby. At the time I was frustrated - why couldn't I get pregnant again? We hadn't had to TRY the first 3 times...but looking back, I can see how the timing was perfect(as God's timing always is) - and I am thankful! I feel like I would have missed out on many precious and irreplaceable moments in the last year if it had taken place 6 months sooner after William's birth.
So why was I contemplating such things today? I watched a calf die today. In spite of my best efforts to help him live...a helpless feeling. Through a frustrating and "tragic" (if that word can be applied to animals??) set of circumstances, he was forced to be born too soon - much like my William. As I bent over the calf in my bathtub, rubbing him down, and trying to stimulate him, I started to realize that he was struggling to breathe, and as I watched him slip away, I thought about what it would have been like to watch my baby die...and was thankful once again that William was born into heaven before he was born on earth.
You know, I've been around farming, animals and losses of all sorts for my entire life - but even as a child it didn't really bother me on a deep level because I just accepted it as a fact of life. Not all the lambs or kittens or calves are going to live. Since becoming a mother, however, things touch me in a way they never did before and I feel the loss of an animal in a different way. Though I believe that animals are not capable of processing things the way we do, I feel empathy for the cow when she stands at the fence bawling for her newly weaned or missing calf to come empty her udder. This does not change what needs to happen in order to oversee and take care of the cattle herd efficiently, but it changes a little part in me. It makes me softer and gentler when I am the one who chases the cow out the gate and maybe even lets me admit that I shed some tears over a lost calf.
