I took a bit of a walk down the lane of contemplation tonight...and though I should be sleeping, I decided I needed to write. I was thinking about babies...and loosing them and holding the ones we have and the mess of contradiction in my brain regarding all manner of topics relating to this....
Most recently, I feel like a bad mommy for having moved on. I realize this will make absolutely no sense to someone who has not experienced a loss of this sort, but as I read about how other people think so much of their little angels and wonder about them and miss them terribly even after many years, I begin to wonder if there's something wrong with me.
William is not always a part of my day any more.... I'm beginning to realize that that is ok for me right now. I have to remind myself that it doesn't mean I've forgotten William, it doesn't mean that I don't cherish his memory or that I love or value him any less than my other children. There will always be a place in my heart for him. When I really think about it, I realize that I am in this place because I am so confident in the knowledge that he is taken care of - marvellously taken care of - better than I could have ever done. He is in the presence of Perfect Love, with no pain, no suffering, no worries, no impatient, imperfect mother or father to make mistakes in his training, no siblings to tease or fight with him - he has every need met perfectly and is enjoying perfect peace. All because the Lord Jesus loved me(all of us humans) enough to give His Son, Jesus, to suffer and die and be the payment that would eliminate our sins and make us fit for the Perfection that is the presence of our Lord and Father in Heaven. He offers each one of us the opportunity to take the free gift of peace if we will accept it in the form of salvation through Jesus. What Love! Why would He do that for me? Boundless Love! I am so thankful - not only for the peace that I feel knowing where William is, but also for the peace that I have living each day looking forward to eternity in Heaven as heirs of Christ and joint heirs with Jesus and all others who believe on His name. I don't have to wonder or worry about what William looks like or what he's doing - I know I'll see him again someday and until then, he is taken care of. That frees me to be present in the lives of my two wonderful kids that I DO get to hold instead of wrapped up in missing him and what might have been.
This is a new "place" for me - it took me about 2 years to get to the point that I didn't feel like I was missing something if I wasn't wearing my William necklace- my connection to it was for me- not for him - I realize it means nothing to him and though I still wear it, its because I choose to - not because I feel I need to. That point didn't come until my little rainbow boy was several months old - I guess the busyness of day to day life with two kids probably helped me take some steps towards where I am now. William has not been replaced, his name is mentioned in conversation regularly and remembered by his big sister as her baby brother in Heaven. I can talk about him, with emotion, but without being overwhelmed by sadness.
The struggle of getting into routine with 2 kids has taken me most of a year (wow- where did that year go?) but I feel like I can breathe more now. I hug, cuddle and kiss my kids more. I cherish the baby moments more with my little man than I did with his big sister, not only because I'm more aware of the preciousness of his life in general, but also because I'm so amazed by how fast these little moments are fleeting.
There is another piece that has slipped into place in my mind too. I realize that I'm glad that I did not get pregnant too quickly after we lost William - it gave me space and time to grieve without letting that grief distract me from my new baby. At the time I was frustrated - why couldn't I get pregnant again? We hadn't had to TRY the first 3 times...but looking back, I can see how the timing was perfect(as God's timing always is) - and I am thankful! I feel like I would have missed out on many precious and irreplaceable moments in the last year if it had taken place 6 months sooner after William's birth.
So why was I contemplating such things today? I watched a calf die today. In spite of my best efforts to help him live...a helpless feeling. Through a frustrating and "tragic" (if that word can be applied to animals??) set of circumstances, he was forced to be born too soon - much like my William. As I bent over the calf in my bathtub, rubbing him down, and trying to stimulate him, I started to realize that he was struggling to breathe, and as I watched him slip away, I thought about what it would have been like to watch my baby die...and was thankful once again that William was born into heaven before he was born on earth.
You know, I've been around farming, animals and losses of all sorts for my entire life - but even as a child it didn't really bother me on a deep level because I just accepted it as a fact of life. Not all the lambs or kittens or calves are going to live. Since becoming a mother, however, things touch me in a way they never did before and I feel the loss of an animal in a different way. Though I believe that animals are not capable of processing things the way we do, I feel empathy for the cow when she stands at the fence bawling for her newly weaned or missing calf to come empty her udder. This does not change what needs to happen in order to oversee and take care of the cattle herd efficiently, but it changes a little part in me. It makes me softer and gentler when I am the one who chases the cow out the gate and maybe even lets me admit that I shed some tears over a lost calf.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Monday, August 13, 2012
Apple time!!
Its been a bit of an odd year weather-wise, and with the morning temperature at 9 degrees this morning it felt more like apple harvest time than the calendar says - but I think this is about the earliest I've ever picked apples!! Last week we were blessed with the offer of a tree full of apples to pick - and after talking my sister-in-law into the joys of home made apple sauce and telling her that she could just come be part of the process at my place rather than having to do it herself, we set off to our friend's place. It worked out quite nicely, as our friend had her niece there babysitting - who was only too happy to squish some baby cheeks, and our older kids were well entertained in the house as well. I think the whole picking expedition took less than 2 hours, and pardon the lack of pictures, but we ended up with 2 five gallon pails, a cooler and a laundry basket full of apples - somewhere between 20 and 25 gallons of medium sized sweet crab apples. The week quickly got busy and we didn't get to process them until saturday - and the day didn't get started as early as we'd hoped either, but by 1pm the first batch was washed and in the steam juicer.
By suppertime we had almost all the apples steamed and sauced - thanks to the handy steam juicer (picked up at MCC for $25) and victorio strainer(courtesy of my MIL's kitchen). After making a combined supper of pork chops, applesauce (of course) and roasted potatoes for both our families and my FIL (who was helping Trevor haul bales) we bottled and water bathed 14 quarts of apple sauce and 7 quarts of juice before calling it a night!
If you're wondering why some of those jars have up-side-down lids on them - they're just spacers - I used older rusty lids on top of the good lids so I can still use the old rings that were used with the glass tops on these jars originally - I can't say I'm a fan of the glass tops, because I just don't know how to make sure they're sealed - I sure like my pop-down metal tops :) I buy enough new lids for all the canning that I might sell, but when I'm doing stuff like applesauce which is just for myself, I like to re-use old stuff :)
Today I finished up - another 7 quarts of applesauce through the canner, 10 quarts of juice and started two batches of apple butter -
Most of the work I've done alone in the kitchen lately has been done with the company of various readers from Librivox.org - all reading various compositions of L.M. Montgomery. I must share this as I know I'm not the only one who would this type of company! Currently I'm listening to Anne of Avonlea. If you have an Iphone, you can find them through Itunes for free - just search for L M Montgomery. I need to figure out some other writers to try - they record all old things that are in the public domain, so I'm not terribly familiar with many of the titles. I hope others can enjoy these readings too!
A few years ago I tried to make apple butter using a recipe that I found in one of my mother-in-law's preserving books, but I was not happy with it - it was too spicy and not my favorite for sure. Last year I decided to make my own recipe after looking around at different ones and here is what I came up with.
By suppertime we had almost all the apples steamed and sauced - thanks to the handy steam juicer (picked up at MCC for $25) and victorio strainer(courtesy of my MIL's kitchen). After making a combined supper of pork chops, applesauce (of course) and roasted potatoes for both our families and my FIL (who was helping Trevor haul bales) we bottled and water bathed 14 quarts of apple sauce and 7 quarts of juice before calling it a night!
If you're wondering why some of those jars have up-side-down lids on them - they're just spacers - I used older rusty lids on top of the good lids so I can still use the old rings that were used with the glass tops on these jars originally - I can't say I'm a fan of the glass tops, because I just don't know how to make sure they're sealed - I sure like my pop-down metal tops :) I buy enough new lids for all the canning that I might sell, but when I'm doing stuff like applesauce which is just for myself, I like to re-use old stuff :)
Today I finished up - another 7 quarts of applesauce through the canner, 10 quarts of juice and started two batches of apple butter -
Most of the work I've done alone in the kitchen lately has been done with the company of various readers from Librivox.org - all reading various compositions of L.M. Montgomery. I must share this as I know I'm not the only one who would this type of company! Currently I'm listening to Anne of Avonlea. If you have an Iphone, you can find them through Itunes for free - just search for L M Montgomery. I need to figure out some other writers to try - they record all old things that are in the public domain, so I'm not terribly familiar with many of the titles. I hope others can enjoy these readings too!
A few years ago I tried to make apple butter using a recipe that I found in one of my mother-in-law's preserving books, but I was not happy with it - it was too spicy and not my favorite for sure. Last year I decided to make my own recipe after looking around at different ones and here is what I came up with.
Apple Butter
8 Cups Applesauce
1 1/2 Cups Apple juice or cider**
1/2 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar
5 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Maple Syrup
2 tsp Cinnamon
1/2 tsp EACH Ginger, Nutmeg and Allspice
**This amount may be reduced if your apple sauce is not very thick - the applesauce I use is thick enough to hold a spoon upright in it when it is cool - but if yours is more moist, you may want to use 1 or even just 1/2 cup of additional juice, or the cooking down process will take a very long time!
~Mix all ingredients together in the tallest, heaviest bottomed pot you have - I often use my 12Q stock pot for this recipe - because it allows for a large surface area, speeding up the reducing time and is tall enough to prevent splatters, but a good sized dutch oven will do, as long as you use a splatter screen on top - this recipe WILL make a royal mess if you're not careful, but a lid will prevent the liquid from boiling away, so be creative! The splatters will amaze you in how far they can reach and how much they burn (speaking from today's experience!).
~Simmer slowly, stirring often with a long handled utensil, until it reaches the desired consistency - I try to make it like soft jam - but be careful to stir more often and keep the temperature very low as it gets thicker - it will burn! This process will likely take at least 2 hours.
~Prepare and sterilize your jars and lids, heat your canner and then fill the jars. Process in a hot water bath for 10 minutes after the water returns to a boil. Alternatively, you can just pour it into sterilized jars and refrigerate - it should keep for a couple months, or, if you leave 3/4" or so of headspace, you can freeze in appropriate containers. Enjoy!
Tastes wonderful on a slice of fresh sourdough bread with a slice of old cheddar on top! Also make a wonderful gift with a pretty circle of fabric tied on of each jar :)
Time to go stir the apple butter again! Soon I'll be hearing noises on the baby monitor and my brief period of quiet afternoon will be over - oh how I enjoyed it though!
Time to go stir the apple butter again! Soon I'll be hearing noises on the baby monitor and my brief period of quiet afternoon will be over - oh how I enjoyed it though!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
6 weeks
Yup, 6 weeks already gone and I haven't even introduced our lil one yet! I have decided that the names we're using are quite distinctive and I'd rather keep privacy a little better, so our son is simply going to be T :)
T was born 4:12am on Sunday April 8, 2012. The whole pregnancy was a lot harder on me than any of my previous pregnancies, but the labor went much better than expected! The two weeks before T was born were a very uncomfortable, but extremely uneventful. Trevor's Grandma had been here for the whole week and we had much enjoyed visiting with her, and had hoped T would arrive before she went home, but it was not to be! She left on Saturday morning and in spite of having a "stretch and sweep" at the doctor's on Monday and reflexology intended to ready the body for labor on Wednesday, I had NO contractions all week....T stayed put until Easter Sunday. I was very thankful that he at least came early and didn't make me wait until after his due date like Lolo did!
On Saturday morning we had slept in and I was feeling a bit resigned to the fact that this baby was NOT coming any time soon - in fact I had been chatting with my sister Amy on the phone and told her I was just trying to distract myself and/or not get my hopes up since it could still be almost 3 weeks before he came! I said goodbye to Amy and went up to get dressed (yup, completely lazy, still in my pajamas after noon!). All of a sudden, I realized there was fluid coming out of me...and I had JUST gone to the bathroom...and it WASN'T voluntary...hmmm...could it really be?! An immediate surge of adrenalin went through me as I ran back to the bathroom to see if it could really be my water....it was confirmed soon enough, since it just wouldn't stop! Then I panicked a bit..how was I going to get off the toilet without making a mess? I tried yelling for Trevor, but he couldn't hear me....so I just made a run for it and got some "protection". I ran downstairs all excited to tell Trevor what happened. Since I was GBS positive, my Dr. had instructed me to come in as soon as my water broke, so at this point I was kind of just thinking "ok, we'll get things together, get Lolo off to Aunty's and head for the hospital". I showered, ate lunch and was working on getting things packed for Lolo and the last minute things into my bag. Somewhere in there I sent a text to my Doula, we chatted a bit and decided that since I hadn't had ANY contractions since my water broke, it wasn't worth rushing to the hospital right away, she suggested a nap and maybe I should get down and scrub my floor :) I sent Lolo with Trevor the Aunty's and tried to lay down for a nap, I forced myself to stay in bed for an hour, but no luck, I was too keyed up, no sleep was coming. Trevor had a nice nap...I was jealous of him later!
So, we puttered around cleaning up the house and putting away laundry - I was thankful later that we had taken the time to do this, so we were able to come home to a cleanish and at least tidy house! All the while I was struggling to find a way to contain the "mess"....first I tried the post partum super soaker pads I had made for myself...nope- no match for amniotic fluid! Then I tried infant prefolds - they worked fine as long as I was standing up and moving around, but sitting or laying down made them useless - it finally dawned on me that Lolo still had size 6 disposable diapers for wearing at night - that was the ticket! By 5pm I was getting a bit discouraged - 4 hours had gone by and I had only had 1 contraction the whole time - not even tiny ones!
We decided to head for the town closer to the hospital and go out for dinner. We met up with my SIL there and had chinese buffet for dinner. After that we were still trying to decide what to do - I didn't want to sit in the hospital for hours on end...so we rented a couple movies and hung out at my SIL's place for a few hours - the whole time I was bouncing on an exercise ball and doing different positions intended to help the baby move into better position to stimulate labor....still no luck!
Finally, around 10:30 we headed for the hospital. My doctor happened to be there, so after I was admitted, she checked my right away, did a sweep and laid out the game plan: Baby was still high, cervix was dilated 3-4cm but still thick... She had them start me on antibiotics right away and said they would also start me on pitocin after shift change to get the contractions going. I have mixed feelings about this - I really wanted to go into labor naturally - since my previous births were both induced, however, I have a great doctor and really trust her judgement - so I didn't resist. The sweep seemed to stimulate some contractions and with the help of pitocin, my labor started not long after midnight. It was pretty intense of course...each contraction seemed to build pretty quickly on the last - I have a hard time seeing true "stages" of labor when I look back, I'm not sure when "Transition" really happened....it just built and built and built. I asked Trevor at the beginning of labor what time he thought baby would come- "8am" he replied....ACK! I thought....there's no way I want to labor like this all night! My doula later said she thought he was rather optimistic, and I silently prayed she was very wrong!
Once I was admitted and settled in, I texted my doula again and she headed our way.
She was a great help to me in getting me to move around, reminding me to change positions, encouraging me and massaging my legs and feet. All through pregnancy I had had really tight muscles all down my legs any time I had contractions, and labor was no different, so the massage really helped me to relax in spite of my body's determination to be tense. The other great thing about the doula is how well she knows the hospital and what is available, etc. She was able to go get floor matts, pillows, a birthing stool and other things that were available for me to use that I didn't know about. Since I was being induced, I had to be monitored constantly, but it was amazing what kind of positions we could accomplish within the 4ish feet of space I had to maneuver in between the bed and the machines! I stood on the mats holding on to Trevor during contractions, then kneeling and leaning over the bed, then standing and leaning over the ball on the bed. We tried to keep me upright as much as possible and moving around really seemed to help, but I was getting tired. About 3am, I needed to lay down, I just needed a break, I couldn't hold myself up any more. So I got into bed for a few contractions, first on my left side, then on my right. It really helped to just rest between the contractions as they were getting much more intense at this point. They checked me again and said I was an 8 - not too far to go. From this point onwards, things went really fast. I could feel him really moving down with each contraction. Once again I needed to change positions, I got up on my knees and leaned on the back of the bed - this was perfect, I was more upright but I could just collapse and rest between each contraction. I told them I had to push...there was no stopping it any more...they said ok, but take it easy to begin with. Well, I wasn't really in control anymore...it was amazing how my body just took over. The first contraction that I pushed I felt him move down, and they said they thought they could see him, the second contraction he got almost to the ring of fire and then the third contraction, he was crowning and part way out....the contraction was over and he wasn't out, so the doctor said, keep pushing...that was the ONLY part of labor that felt counter-intuitive or forced, but I pushed and his head finished coming out, and with one final contraction and a major push, he was out. Wow....what relief! How amazing! It was over, he was here, he was alive and I had done it! I just dropped my head down and rested for a few seconds as they tried to clean up the mess behind me. It was the perfect position for me to give birth in - it just felt so right, but it was a little strange to be staring at a wall instead of seeing what was going on!
I got turned around and settled in and held my little boy immediately - *I* got to rub him down and cuddle him and smell his newness and he never did go the the warming table. My very first glimpse of him was almost shocking - the first thing I thought was, "Wow- he looks like my mom!" I don't see it as much now, but I definitely think he looks a lot like my little brother. I held him as they finally clamped the cord after it was flaccid, and Trevor cut the cord. Only once we had had a great cuddle did they take him to be weighed and measured and so on.
Then, with his first little cloth diaper in place, he came right back and latched on for a great first nursing session. He was a champ! The textbook rooting reflex- when his face was tickled with the nipple, he would open his mouth wide and turn towards me, wiggling his head back and forth until he found what he was looking for, and then latch on.
It simply amazes me, even now, looking back, how we are created to do this amazing job of giving birth to a child. Our bodies relax, open up and work like crazy to get that baby out at just the right time. The instincts that the baby are born with are another amazing thing. Watching the miracle of it all was even more precious to me this time, as the memories of William - the tiny, sick, still baby boy that I delivered the last time I was in labor, were present, if only in a guarded place in the back of my mind. In that moment shortly after birth, looking into his eyes, I was(and still am!) incredibly thankful for the gift of life that we have been given, and for the blessing of this new tiny child that we have been entrusted to raise. I'm convinced that there is no more great and precious gift that the Lord can give us than the gift of new life in the form of a child.
Physically I did really well through the whole labor, and I was surprised to hear that I hadn't even torn and was pretty happy to make it without any pain medication. Once the room was cleaned up and T had a full tummy, I gave him to daddy and went for a shower. It was so nice to get cleaned up and back into a clean bed to snuggle with the little guy. I texted my family and friends and posted quickly on facebook before falling into a peaceful sleep. Things went so well, he nursed a couple more times on Sunday - but then scared me a bit by sleeping for almost 15 hours straight without nursing - the nurses assured me his was ok for the first 12 hours or so, but then they took his blood sugar, just to make sure. Everything was fine, and finally at 3am on Monday morning he nursed again, and hasn't looked back! The Auntie's brought Lolo to meet him after lunch on Sunday and again there were some precious "first" moments - this time between sister and brother. So neat to watch her excitement and love!
Lolo's birth seemed to be much harder on my both physically and emotionally, and I was surprised at how well I felt, even when Trevor said he was going to go home for a good night's sleep on Sunday night rather than spending another night in the recliner! I would have been in tears and so scared if he had done that the first time, but although I missed his company, I felt much more able to cope and enjoyed my solitary night of cuddling and bonding with T.
The first couple weeks were quiet and uneventful, Trevor's mom finally got to meet him when he was 5 days old, since she had been away when he was born. None of my family has been here to see him yet, but we're joyfully looking forward to seeing my oldest sister at the end of the month for a few days. I recall telling a few people in the first week or two that he wasn't much of a crier - but I take that back! He goes from 0-60 in about 15 seconds when he wakes up hungry, and it doesn't matter what you do, if he decides its time to eat, he will scream and HOWL until he gets what he wants. I'm thankful that his sleeping patterns have begun to organize quite well and he is getting into a pretty good routine of eating every 3 hours, awake time and naps for the most part. I'm not a rigid scheduler, but it definitely helpful! He's even been sleeping 6ish hours at night for most of the last week, so I'm quite happy with that!
My recovery has been much quicker and less eventful than the one after Lolo's birth, I've been quite active right from the first week, and it feels good. Its been a major relief not to be pregnant anymore, as I did not feel very well for most of my pregnancy, even though there were no major complications. Its nice to be a little more free with my diet again, as I was borderline for gestational diabetes and had to be careful with my sugars/carbs. That has helped me to change the way I think about food to some extent at least, and while I have added back some carbs, I feel like I need them less than I once did. I don't think anything has changed with my desire for sugar though....I've never been a real sweet tooth, but I DID miss it!
Its not the say there haven't been ups and downs - since there have been, and in some ways its been a little disappointing. It seems that since I have dealt with things better, people have stayed away more. Chalk it up to being the second child too, but it seems since the NEED isn't there so much, the visiting and "checking in" kind of support hasn't been there as much, which forced me to finally voice some things to Trevor about my need for a little more of his time...change and growing and learning always....we never will have it ALL figured out! I am very thankful for the people who have reached out with their time and lent an ear, those who have brought meals and sent gifts. I appreciate you all - this is by no means a complaint, just my honest observations as I look back over the last 6 weeks....how it has changed my life forever!
In other news...The spring weather has been amazing and many farmers are already done seeding here. My garden isn't in yet, but well on its way - mostly laid out, the tilling mostly done and all the seeds are ready to go - just have to wait for this weekend's 1/2" of rain to dry up a bit more! I had a great trip to Winkler to kick off my mother's day weekend last friday - Lolo stayed with Aunty while T and I went with my friend Jeanette and her youngest daughter to the big book sale in town and a bunch of garage sales. It was a great time!! This week my 50 chicks are coming and next week Becky comes. The plan was/is to paint my kitchen while she is here, so I've been busy prepping- stripping wallpaper, cleaning, tidying, picking colors, etc. etc. I'll share some pics when its all done! Anyways, the time has ticked away too fast, as it always does when I sit down to write (the main reason why I don't do it very often lately). There are so many things flitting through my mind that I'd like to share, but its much past bedtime (I should be a pumpkin by now!) - so I'm going to add some pictures and call it good for tonight.
T was born 4:12am on Sunday April 8, 2012. The whole pregnancy was a lot harder on me than any of my previous pregnancies, but the labor went much better than expected! The two weeks before T was born were a very uncomfortable, but extremely uneventful. Trevor's Grandma had been here for the whole week and we had much enjoyed visiting with her, and had hoped T would arrive before she went home, but it was not to be! She left on Saturday morning and in spite of having a "stretch and sweep" at the doctor's on Monday and reflexology intended to ready the body for labor on Wednesday, I had NO contractions all week....T stayed put until Easter Sunday. I was very thankful that he at least came early and didn't make me wait until after his due date like Lolo did!
On Saturday morning we had slept in and I was feeling a bit resigned to the fact that this baby was NOT coming any time soon - in fact I had been chatting with my sister Amy on the phone and told her I was just trying to distract myself and/or not get my hopes up since it could still be almost 3 weeks before he came! I said goodbye to Amy and went up to get dressed (yup, completely lazy, still in my pajamas after noon!). All of a sudden, I realized there was fluid coming out of me...and I had JUST gone to the bathroom...and it WASN'T voluntary...hmmm...could it really be?! An immediate surge of adrenalin went through me as I ran back to the bathroom to see if it could really be my water....it was confirmed soon enough, since it just wouldn't stop! Then I panicked a bit..how was I going to get off the toilet without making a mess? I tried yelling for Trevor, but he couldn't hear me....so I just made a run for it and got some "protection". I ran downstairs all excited to tell Trevor what happened. Since I was GBS positive, my Dr. had instructed me to come in as soon as my water broke, so at this point I was kind of just thinking "ok, we'll get things together, get Lolo off to Aunty's and head for the hospital". I showered, ate lunch and was working on getting things packed for Lolo and the last minute things into my bag. Somewhere in there I sent a text to my Doula, we chatted a bit and decided that since I hadn't had ANY contractions since my water broke, it wasn't worth rushing to the hospital right away, she suggested a nap and maybe I should get down and scrub my floor :) I sent Lolo with Trevor the Aunty's and tried to lay down for a nap, I forced myself to stay in bed for an hour, but no luck, I was too keyed up, no sleep was coming. Trevor had a nice nap...I was jealous of him later!
So, we puttered around cleaning up the house and putting away laundry - I was thankful later that we had taken the time to do this, so we were able to come home to a cleanish and at least tidy house! All the while I was struggling to find a way to contain the "mess"....first I tried the post partum super soaker pads I had made for myself...nope- no match for amniotic fluid! Then I tried infant prefolds - they worked fine as long as I was standing up and moving around, but sitting or laying down made them useless - it finally dawned on me that Lolo still had size 6 disposable diapers for wearing at night - that was the ticket! By 5pm I was getting a bit discouraged - 4 hours had gone by and I had only had 1 contraction the whole time - not even tiny ones!
We decided to head for the town closer to the hospital and go out for dinner. We met up with my SIL there and had chinese buffet for dinner. After that we were still trying to decide what to do - I didn't want to sit in the hospital for hours on end...so we rented a couple movies and hung out at my SIL's place for a few hours - the whole time I was bouncing on an exercise ball and doing different positions intended to help the baby move into better position to stimulate labor....still no luck!
Finally, around 10:30 we headed for the hospital. My doctor happened to be there, so after I was admitted, she checked my right away, did a sweep and laid out the game plan: Baby was still high, cervix was dilated 3-4cm but still thick... She had them start me on antibiotics right away and said they would also start me on pitocin after shift change to get the contractions going. I have mixed feelings about this - I really wanted to go into labor naturally - since my previous births were both induced, however, I have a great doctor and really trust her judgement - so I didn't resist. The sweep seemed to stimulate some contractions and with the help of pitocin, my labor started not long after midnight. It was pretty intense of course...each contraction seemed to build pretty quickly on the last - I have a hard time seeing true "stages" of labor when I look back, I'm not sure when "Transition" really happened....it just built and built and built. I asked Trevor at the beginning of labor what time he thought baby would come- "8am" he replied....ACK! I thought....there's no way I want to labor like this all night! My doula later said she thought he was rather optimistic, and I silently prayed she was very wrong!
Once I was admitted and settled in, I texted my doula again and she headed our way.
She was a great help to me in getting me to move around, reminding me to change positions, encouraging me and massaging my legs and feet. All through pregnancy I had had really tight muscles all down my legs any time I had contractions, and labor was no different, so the massage really helped me to relax in spite of my body's determination to be tense. The other great thing about the doula is how well she knows the hospital and what is available, etc. She was able to go get floor matts, pillows, a birthing stool and other things that were available for me to use that I didn't know about. Since I was being induced, I had to be monitored constantly, but it was amazing what kind of positions we could accomplish within the 4ish feet of space I had to maneuver in between the bed and the machines! I stood on the mats holding on to Trevor during contractions, then kneeling and leaning over the bed, then standing and leaning over the ball on the bed. We tried to keep me upright as much as possible and moving around really seemed to help, but I was getting tired. About 3am, I needed to lay down, I just needed a break, I couldn't hold myself up any more. So I got into bed for a few contractions, first on my left side, then on my right. It really helped to just rest between the contractions as they were getting much more intense at this point. They checked me again and said I was an 8 - not too far to go. From this point onwards, things went really fast. I could feel him really moving down with each contraction. Once again I needed to change positions, I got up on my knees and leaned on the back of the bed - this was perfect, I was more upright but I could just collapse and rest between each contraction. I told them I had to push...there was no stopping it any more...they said ok, but take it easy to begin with. Well, I wasn't really in control anymore...it was amazing how my body just took over. The first contraction that I pushed I felt him move down, and they said they thought they could see him, the second contraction he got almost to the ring of fire and then the third contraction, he was crowning and part way out....the contraction was over and he wasn't out, so the doctor said, keep pushing...that was the ONLY part of labor that felt counter-intuitive or forced, but I pushed and his head finished coming out, and with one final contraction and a major push, he was out. Wow....what relief! How amazing! It was over, he was here, he was alive and I had done it! I just dropped my head down and rested for a few seconds as they tried to clean up the mess behind me. It was the perfect position for me to give birth in - it just felt so right, but it was a little strange to be staring at a wall instead of seeing what was going on!
I got turned around and settled in and held my little boy immediately - *I* got to rub him down and cuddle him and smell his newness and he never did go the the warming table. My very first glimpse of him was almost shocking - the first thing I thought was, "Wow- he looks like my mom!" I don't see it as much now, but I definitely think he looks a lot like my little brother. I held him as they finally clamped the cord after it was flaccid, and Trevor cut the cord. Only once we had had a great cuddle did they take him to be weighed and measured and so on.
Then, with his first little cloth diaper in place, he came right back and latched on for a great first nursing session. He was a champ! The textbook rooting reflex- when his face was tickled with the nipple, he would open his mouth wide and turn towards me, wiggling his head back and forth until he found what he was looking for, and then latch on.It simply amazes me, even now, looking back, how we are created to do this amazing job of giving birth to a child. Our bodies relax, open up and work like crazy to get that baby out at just the right time. The instincts that the baby are born with are another amazing thing. Watching the miracle of it all was even more precious to me this time, as the memories of William - the tiny, sick, still baby boy that I delivered the last time I was in labor, were present, if only in a guarded place in the back of my mind. In that moment shortly after birth, looking into his eyes, I was(and still am!) incredibly thankful for the gift of life that we have been given, and for the blessing of this new tiny child that we have been entrusted to raise. I'm convinced that there is no more great and precious gift that the Lord can give us than the gift of new life in the form of a child.
Physically I did really well through the whole labor, and I was surprised to hear that I hadn't even torn and was pretty happy to make it without any pain medication. Once the room was cleaned up and T had a full tummy, I gave him to daddy and went for a shower. It was so nice to get cleaned up and back into a clean bed to snuggle with the little guy. I texted my family and friends and posted quickly on facebook before falling into a peaceful sleep. Things went so well, he nursed a couple more times on Sunday - but then scared me a bit by sleeping for almost 15 hours straight without nursing - the nurses assured me his was ok for the first 12 hours or so, but then they took his blood sugar, just to make sure. Everything was fine, and finally at 3am on Monday morning he nursed again, and hasn't looked back! The Auntie's brought Lolo to meet him after lunch on Sunday and again there were some precious "first" moments - this time between sister and brother. So neat to watch her excitement and love!
Lolo's birth seemed to be much harder on my both physically and emotionally, and I was surprised at how well I felt, even when Trevor said he was going to go home for a good night's sleep on Sunday night rather than spending another night in the recliner! I would have been in tears and so scared if he had done that the first time, but although I missed his company, I felt much more able to cope and enjoyed my solitary night of cuddling and bonding with T.
The first couple weeks were quiet and uneventful, Trevor's mom finally got to meet him when he was 5 days old, since she had been away when he was born. None of my family has been here to see him yet, but we're joyfully looking forward to seeing my oldest sister at the end of the month for a few days. I recall telling a few people in the first week or two that he wasn't much of a crier - but I take that back! He goes from 0-60 in about 15 seconds when he wakes up hungry, and it doesn't matter what you do, if he decides its time to eat, he will scream and HOWL until he gets what he wants. I'm thankful that his sleeping patterns have begun to organize quite well and he is getting into a pretty good routine of eating every 3 hours, awake time and naps for the most part. I'm not a rigid scheduler, but it definitely helpful! He's even been sleeping 6ish hours at night for most of the last week, so I'm quite happy with that!
My recovery has been much quicker and less eventful than the one after Lolo's birth, I've been quite active right from the first week, and it feels good. Its been a major relief not to be pregnant anymore, as I did not feel very well for most of my pregnancy, even though there were no major complications. Its nice to be a little more free with my diet again, as I was borderline for gestational diabetes and had to be careful with my sugars/carbs. That has helped me to change the way I think about food to some extent at least, and while I have added back some carbs, I feel like I need them less than I once did. I don't think anything has changed with my desire for sugar though....I've never been a real sweet tooth, but I DID miss it!Its not the say there haven't been ups and downs - since there have been, and in some ways its been a little disappointing. It seems that since I have dealt with things better, people have stayed away more. Chalk it up to being the second child too, but it seems since the NEED isn't there so much, the visiting and "checking in" kind of support hasn't been there as much, which forced me to finally voice some things to Trevor about my need for a little more of his time...change and growing and learning always....we never will have it ALL figured out! I am very thankful for the people who have reached out with their time and lent an ear, those who have brought meals and sent gifts. I appreciate you all - this is by no means a complaint, just my honest observations as I look back over the last 6 weeks....how it has changed my life forever!
In other news...The spring weather has been amazing and many farmers are already done seeding here. My garden isn't in yet, but well on its way - mostly laid out, the tilling mostly done and all the seeds are ready to go - just have to wait for this weekend's 1/2" of rain to dry up a bit more! I had a great trip to Winkler to kick off my mother's day weekend last friday - Lolo stayed with Aunty while T and I went with my friend Jeanette and her youngest daughter to the big book sale in town and a bunch of garage sales. It was a great time!! This week my 50 chicks are coming and next week Becky comes. The plan was/is to paint my kitchen while she is here, so I've been busy prepping- stripping wallpaper, cleaning, tidying, picking colors, etc. etc. I'll share some pics when its all done! Anyways, the time has ticked away too fast, as it always does when I sit down to write (the main reason why I don't do it very often lately). There are so many things flitting through my mind that I'd like to share, but its much past bedtime (I should be a pumpkin by now!) - so I'm going to add some pictures and call it good for tonight.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Winter on the farm
Warning: This post contains pictures of the stages of butchering and raw meat....read at your own risk!
Daisy the milk cow got retired around Christmas time- she raised two calves this last year and I wasn't getting enough milk from her to make it worthwhile. She did not get re-bred last summer/fall, so she will not be milking this year. We just weaned her calves about a month ago and she is out with the beef cows for the summer I guess....we'll see what happens come fall, but I think her re-productive life is over. I'm looking for a new cow, but with baby on the way, Trevor isn't in too big of a hurry for me to get another cow just yet...
My 27 hens came through the winter in great form - I didn't have a single loss and they consistently laid 10 dozen a week even in their non-insulated shed!
One rooster had escaped the coop just before we closed them in for the winter, and he spent the entire winter fending for himself in the barnyard - too skittish for us to get within 30 feet of him...he was quite the sight to see running around some days, scratching in the bull's bedding and crowing from the haystack. I've let the hens out a few times to free range in this nice weather, but I'm scared to put my electric netting up for fear of freezing rain or snow to destroy it....I'll wait a few more weeks I think! The 25 roosters were butchered with help from our friends over at Green Acres Farm It was an interesting day - since it was the first time any of us had butchered chickens (at least in our adult lives), but it worked out well. The weather was quite chilly and grey and we had 4 kids under 5 to keep track of, but the 4 of us still managed to get everything done! Once again the pictures are tied up on my other computer...
We also had my FIL's ducks here, 6 Muscovy ducks, they're interesting creatures, I'm not 100% sure what they're good for most of the time, but they do eat lots of flies in the summer and they are quite interesting to watch!
Della and Oliver enjoyed the extended nice weather too - as it meant they got a couple more months of comfortable life.
Their lives came to an end over the new years weekend, once again a learning experience, as we had never processed pork on our own, but it turned out quite well! The two little piggies combined had warm carcass weight of about 200lbs.
They were just over 7 months old and were runty little orphans, so I think they did pretty good. We spent somewhere around $200 on their feed and care for the summer, so the price per pound is pretty darn reasonable. We butchered them in about 3 hours on a Saturday, and spent the holiday Monday cutting them up and de-boning the venison we had in the freezer (Trevor had a shot a nice sized buck during the season in November, which we just quartered and froze to make sausage with when we did the pigs).
Sausage making started after Lolo went to bed on Tuesday evening at 8:30 and continued til almost 3am....no, I would not recommend that schedule, nor would I want to repeat that!
We ended up with 90lbs of sausage - 50lbs of that was breakfast sausage style, 20lbs Italian sausage and 20lbs Chorizo.
Bacon - rubbed with cure and ready to sit for 10 days or so.
We also have lots of roasts, chops and some ribs and we even tried our hand at making bacon....although we know that we'd have to do it a bit different next time - its far to salty to eat on its own - but makes great base for soup, chili, etc. We also made 23lbs of ground venison into jerky sticks and dried it. Those turned out great and we ate them all up in less than 2 months!
Just a couple weeks ago, we had another weekend of butchering. Trevor came home early on a Friday so we could butcher BB – Daisy’s blind steer calf from last spring. Time had come that we no longer had extra corral space to just let him be, and since we can’t turn him out in the electric fence, it was time to say good-bye. He was somewhere between 6-700lbs live weight, in my estimation and we ended up with 150lbs ground meat and about 30-40lbs of boneless tenderloin and boneless roasts along with 8lbs or so of liver. He turned out to be a good size for the two of us to butcher on our own – not TOO much work for one weekend! We processed 50lbs of the ground meat into jerky sticks again – Trevor’s favorite snack! It has been good for me to have this around too, since I’m borderline for Gestational diabetes during this pregnancy – its good to have a tasty snack that is low in carbs!
The horses spent the winter along with the bulls here, eating tasty hay, and when opportunity knocked (IE, Trevor left the gate open after feeding bales) they followed Grandpa home to his place for a short vacation – we brought them back a couple weeks later. For most of the winter, the cows that we’re custom feeding/calving have been at my in-laws. Trevor would go over every Saturday and put out bales in two different places and then go over in the middle of the week to let them into the second feed area.
Putting out hay with the bale unroller.
The cows enjoying a fresh meal of high moisture hay, fed on top of the straw.
Lolo loves the animals and the chores too!
Watching the cows eat dinner while we wait for another bale to take the strings off of.
Once we used up all the feed that was put up over there, it was time to move the cows over here. This happened around the end of February. Here are some pictures of that adventure:
Leaving the corral at Grandpa's place.
Out through Grandpa's yard - he's in front with the tractor and a bale, then the cows, then Trevor on Guthrie while Lolo and I bring up the rear with the truck.
The cows didn't really think it was necessary to stay on the road the whole time...what fun would that be?? About this time Lolo is yelling "No, cows, on the the road, bad cows!! Sooo Boss!"
Back on the straight and narrow...
Heading into our yard - 1.5 miles down the road.
Lolo had to get a ride with Daddy too - she can't stand to miss out on these things you know!
The dogs seemed to have enjoyed the mild winter, and of course all the butchering that we did helped ensure they stayed well fattened for the duration of the season! Now we have to clean up their mess, but at least we didn't buy much dog food! Sneef will be 10 next week...hard to believe! Dazzle is showing her age quite a bit too (I think she'll be 13 this year). There was a day a couple weeks ago when I wasn't sure if she was going to make it, but she seems pretty normal right now...just waiting it out as long as she seems comfortable...
Cootie the house cat still isn't convinced it is spring - she has a long standing tradition of staying put in the house from the first snow flake until all the snow is gone in the spring, and this year she must be going by the calendar rather than the appearance of snow, because she STILL doesn't want to go outside!
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