Where have I been?

Since its been a while since my last post I guess I'll start with a bit of a confession. The answer to the question posed in the title of this blog is almost scary when I think about it. Where have I been since January? I'm not sure there's much to show for what I've done, but where I've been on the other hand is a very wide range of places. I've been low, I've been sad, I've been anxious and hard to please, but I've also been climbing out of those depths and trying to work hard on my attitude. I'm happy to say I'm feeling and dealing with life better in the last few weeks than I had for probably six months. God is good...All the time!

Without going into too many gory details, I've had a hard time dealing with some of the emotional/mental upset and fatigue that has been going on since last fall. I have a tendency to just push through and get things done rather than slowing down and dealing with the issues at the time that they happen. Even though I realize this and I think I did better with William's death than I did when my mother passed away, I finally realized in March that I had really suppressed way too many things and maybe not given myself enough time or permission to grieve and deal with all the emotions. It was all kind of building up and manifesting itself more as anxiety (and I do mean genuine anxiety, like chest pain fear of everything) then depression so it was harder for me to identify it and realize I really needed to smarten up and do something about it.
So what have I done about it? Well, it starts with attitude and how we think about the world around us I think. I have a choice to make about whether I choose to see myself as the victim of circumstance and at the mercy of fate or as a character in a very intricately written story, designed by the One who can see the beginning AND the end! Its hard not to be absorbed only in how the events of life effect ME and wish that things were different. Some encouragement from friends, lots of long conversations with my one SIL in particular, a particularly encouraging and applicable book by Ann Voskamp - "One Thousand Gifts" and of course lots of prayer and pleas for help and strength from the Giver of All Good, have combined to help me refocus and deal with things better. I suppose I would be lying by omission if I stopped there, because the truth is, I also finally broke down and visited my doctor about 4 weeks ago. I just couldn't seem to stay on top of anything and felt that it was time to admit I can't do it on my own. She prescribed a low dose anti-depressant to help me get past the anxiety that threatened to sap all joy from my life. I'm somewhat embarrassed that I CAN'T always do it on my own....but I'm resigned to the fact that sometimes we need a little more help to get the physical side of our brains to function properly so we can re-train our emotions/thoughts to the proper path. I haven't really told too many people, but I feel like I'm hiding something by not saying anything - so here it is, out in the open and say what you like, I'm OK with it right now and am trusting the Lord to guide each step and help me to bring "every thought into captivity."

The springing of spring and the increase in light have done wonders to help me feel more positive and I definitely find my mood is much effected by A). the weather and B). how much sleep I've had. So, we're working on things...little by little I am finding I can deal with things that used to strike fear through my heart and as I re-learn to trust in HIS goodness, I can take each step without faltering in fear.

Now that I got that serious stuff all out, I'm going to take advantage of our new high speed internet and do some FUN blogging - I've been up to a LOT in the last 3.5 months and now I can show and tell!

Changes

Don't mind the sorta unfinished "renovations" around here...I only get so much time at once to work on something like this...and on dial-up its a real challenge to get much done! I'm hoping to come up with a new banner that displays better than this current one....Any comments on the new look? I know I need to make the Header more readable...is the background too distracting? Comments welcome!

December...Christmas...New Years...and beyond...

Christmas came and went…not quite how we expected it and most certainly not how I had envisioned in 9 months before or even 3 months before…but its came and went all the same. I couldn't help but feel a bit empty with no baby in my arms or in my belly - but I was thankful for the one I do have, who is constantly growing and changing and of course challenging us! Of course I was thankful for many other things - as I see each day how blessed we are!

My FIL and my BIL and his family were away, so it was a small crowd-as far as local family goes-for Christmas here. My dad and step-mom were able to join us, which was nice, since it had been almost 2 years since they were here last. Even that didn’t go quite as planned though, as they hit some ice and rolled their truck on their way here. Thankfully they were near where two of my dad’s siblings live and were able to get help and have a place to stay. They ended up getting here 24 hours later and a few items lighter than they had planned. Thankfully, neither of them were seriously injured and passers-by stopped to dig them out of the snow and call 911, etc. The truck had been fairly full, they were bringing me some of my belongings and a couple dressers along with some home schooling stuff and odds and ends. In the end, besides the two dressers (which were completely destroyed) there wasn’t much of value that went missing or was destroyed. I was pleasantly surprised that the butter churn, sewing machine and even the cheese press made it here without any serious harm and even the large cube shaped tack box I had made in my teen years when I was showing sheep didn’t even break open!

The visit was not quite as long as had been expected, but we were thankful that it was able to happen at all! We enjoyed Christmas brunch with my MIL, SIL and “The Bears” as my step-sister has taken to calling our parents. Then we opened presents and played games in the late afternoon we enjoyed Christmas dinner together too.

Lorelei got quite thoroughly spoiled, with the highlights of the day being her play kitchen (from my grandparents), complete with play food and dishes(I found them mostly at the second hand store) and pots and pans(from Trevor’s mom). Aunt Julie contributed many hours of fun in the form of a toy shopping cart and “The Bears” further encouraged her maternal instincts with the addition of a doll stroller.

Over new years we had friends come over to enjoy our sledding hill and it was a great day! This past weekend we finally had all the family together for our family Christmas here, Lorelei got another dolly and a doll cradle, among other things, so she enjoys tucking her multiple dollies into the cradle and singing “jesus love me, YETH jesus love me….” and rocking them to sleep. She’s doing this right now actually! It’s very cute to watch her learn and grow and her vocabulary is expanding daily. Enjoy some pictures from the past month or so -

Lolo and her new kitchen.

Sledding on our hill and the rather rough skating pond.

Loading up the sleds

Three boys loaded and ready to for a push

Playing blocks with Papa

My SIL “Aunny” Julie and Jake, who she was dog sitting over Christmas

Christmas PJs and toys, waiting for Papa and Grandmama

Jake’s bed is pretty cozy, see mom?!

Our new dog – Buddy

Christmas goodies that I made…getting packed up to send to the family!

I was sorting “grow-into” clothes and Lolo was playing dress up – here she is wearing, Jammies with a bikini top, a rain coat and cowboy boots and apparently going shopping with a gift bag.

Lolo wanted to dress “Bear” up in all her winter gear….daddy propped bear up against the wall when he was done…and Lolo propped herself up too!

Randomization...

I've spent much time in the last 7 weeks reading about other mothers who are "babylost" as the term has been used... It seems a good term to me in some ways, because it covers the spectrum of us all, from those who never heard the heartbeat of their angel to those who loved and held them for whatever (too-short) length of time was allowed. I'm amazed, humbled, horrified and thankful as I read through the reactions of different ladies and their families to events such as these. Amazed at the strength of many who have been through far more than I.
Amazed at the crushing hopelessness expressed by those who don't know the Heavenly Father and the care He has for THEM and their children.
Amazed at what HE has brought me through.
Amazed at the reactions of those around me...sometimes good and sometimes not so good.
Humbled when I read the stories of multiple losses and the hope and strength that some have when I'm hardly able to think about facing the uncertainty again, and feel certain(for now) that I'd never subject myself to the pain again if we have one more loss.
Humbled when I am again reminded how much HE cares for me and the plans HE has for my life.
Horrified when I think of going through this again and again and again...
Horrified when I read of the terrible reactions other have faced...the resentment, blame and anger placed on some by their spouse/partner or even the self-blame that many can't seem to let go.
Thankful for the presence of my Heavenly Father in my life...always
Thankful for friends and family around me
Thankful for random gifts, conversations, cards
Thankful for a reason to hope...that I will see my babies again.

In my readings I've come across many things that have hit home...I'd like to share some excerpts from

The Club
By Karen Grover

“The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn’t exist or that it isn’t as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

“I appreciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about him. He was a very large part of my life, and ignoring him now will really hurt me. It makes me think that you feel he’s no longer important because he’s gone. It hurts to think that people don’t want to think about him or remember good things about him, just because he has died.

“I understand that you don’t want to say anything that will make me cry. That sounds kind, and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I’d rather the tears didn’t come when you talk to me because I know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But I’ve learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go too long without tears, my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow me to cry in your presence, perhaps I won’t have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about my loss.

“You can’t know what will make me cry – sometimes I don’t know, myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears – things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of my anguish, I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my son was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about him which I had not known before.

“Please don’t run away from me. Don’t pretend his death never occurred, or even worse, that he never lived! I still love him, think of him, need to remember. Please share with me and we will both feel better.

“I am learning that God is not punishing me. He did not cause the death of my son. But, He can help me to grow through this experience – to become stronger and wiser and more caring, if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a church member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience, I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my son, I didn’t want to change or get stronger. But I know I have no choice about that now – he is gone. Now my choices are to either let God and friends help me to become better, or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me.”

“I have to experience the grief. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, or hurry it along. That’s what membership in this club is teaching me. I am choosing to allow God to take an unspeakable experience and use it to start life again – in a new and better way.”

None of that is directed at anyone...but I could have written any one of those statements...